Oh, my God. At times like this, Barbara, it's hard to see where He is. I am sobbing for you and your pain - and remembering my own, at the death of my 2 yr old son, 10 yrs ago. I can remember the awful hopelessness, the "weight" that you describe, the feeling of abandonment and betrayal by the One that I trusted to "take care of it" all. Please know that God IS with you, that He hasn't left you, that your little girl is safe with Him. But it still hurts so much - I know. Please e-mail me if you like - I will be here for you ANYTIME you need me, I promise. My prayers are with you and your whole family.