Dear Alicia,

I know that you must of moved on and I saw in your post that you are 18 which made me think of myself at that age :)  but I just wanted to write and say that I’ve shared your anger over CAH and having surgery done without consent. The more I looked at and realized what was done to me the angrier and angrier I got  but it was so tiring being angry all the time. Wanted to add that the only thing that really helped me was wanted to forgive what was done in my case to truly help me. Is anyone in the medical community paying attention? Not everyone wants cookie cutter genitals and at the very least there are many of us that want to made the decision about their own body.  

I still get angry at times and discouraged too but I keep going and try to seek out things and people that are better for me. You wrote about Raves, I think it’s cute the way everyone wears the costumes for those (I’m a little older than you so if you don’t call them costumes, I’m sorry that I’m not down with the lingo).  I never did the raves maybe a little to hard core for me but I do like the night club scene, the biz sucks you in and most importantly there is something for all with no judgments to be made : ) Where do you see yourself next year or in three years? I always thought it would be neat to work in the Hospitality Industry and I still do. Talk about spontaneity, the travel discounts are amazing!

The only one that wrote to you that I’m sure actually has CAH is Betsy but everyone means well and they all come from different areas and have had experiences that maybe might help you look at CAH in a different way  as well.

Back to the scars and man- made vagina. I don’t know if you are into guys and this point doesn’t mean anything if you aren’t but anyway and this is sort of graphic but I think it is relevant to the topic : ) First of all what you were born with might of not been completely man-made you might of had a small vagina that was surgically expanded like mine.  The plus to all this is that it is a small and tight area and men like that. So, most are happy to over look the scars and if they can over look that ...well...then so can I. After all the guy isn’t just sleeping with my genitals... he is sleeping with me ...all parts of me. Men have been very nice and compassionate about the CAH/genital surgeries and some of them have also been crude. It cracks me up about what some have said in the past. Anything from scars and they tell me about their motor cycle or boating accidents, to what the hell got a hold of you ? and then I would say, " It was the surgery that I told you about, remember?" "Oh yeah, that’s not so bad, what can I do to make you feel better?" Another one that I thought was mature made reference to the hole that a blow up doll has. That just ticked me off and all I could think about was that doctor that I read about on the Internet that stated, "We can make hole..." Yes, they can make a hole and if that is what they are just so proud of doing well then that just sucks but not everything in life is perfect and having CAH makes you realize this . Having a  real sense of feeling in the area just wasn’t in the cards for me (if you know what I mean) and that does make me angry because other women take that for a given. I’ve found though that I do have a ever so slight feeling in the vaginal area but nothing in the clitoral area.  I’ve found that many women that have no problems aren’t into sex anyway and with CAH, I believe that I’ve become much more attentive and creative(I’m keeping in mind it’s a family board : )  With CAH, we try harder like Avis (ha).

 

If you can somehow work through your anger and find the ability to forgive then maybe you just might feel better about your body.  I’m not much for taking more drugs but I do know that anti-depressants do help some people but my Endocrinologist didn’t want me to anything like that, his suggestion was yoga and meditation. Talking with someone was a big help to me. It wasn’t anyone fancy or expensive but just a local university that turned out to have an excellent mental health clinic. I didn’t even tell him about the CAH or the genital surgeries because I was so full of anger and anxiety. I took a test for the anxiety and the graph went off the chart (lol) anyway, we worked on anger/stress management,  coping skills, and my perception of myself.  

Another thing that I wanted to share was that guys like women that dance. They like to watch and that something you can do that maybe someone else can’t do. If you are a lesbian just switch other lesbians where you see the word guys or men. I’m not a lesbian but if I was drunk enough and she was pretty, you never know  ; )    

I don’t know much about the religious stuff, I’m a lapsed catholic but I do like GOD and we all are here on earth for a reason. My biological parents gave me up for adoption( their loss) and I was adopted by great people. I wonder if what you are feeling is more about your family life or the CAH or a lovely brew of both.

Another reason I wrote was because what you said about the parents. I used to think ....hummmm......if he had only gone on to someone else then I never would of had to deal with any of this. Wicked irrational thought because then I never would of been born as me to share what I have to offer in life and I know you have lots to offer in life as soon as you work through your anger (maybe you don’t want to work through your anger and that is your choice) .  I think it is a one in 25% chance with each child that they could have CAH. Good odds to me ! Heck, a kid could have so many other birth defects anyway. Life is a challenge anyway you look at it and nobody ever said it was supposed to be fair or easy.

Best Wishes,

Aimee