Dear Annalise,

That was a perfect post and I do know where you are coming from. The only exams would be to check that his surgery was Ok - to check for infection from what he did to her and then that is it. Everyones hands out of the pants. I do think it is wonderful that we have certain doctors these days that are specific to CAH. AND they have learned from the past. My ped endo cried when I recently told him how I felt and this was a doctor that taught other doctors and they did learn on me which put cracks in my psyche that might of been put their by something else as well. I got a formal letter of apology from them and was told how they do some things differently and the surgeon that commited the surgery thought from the bottom of his heart that using his finger was actually less traumatic to an 11 year old for dialation than the dialators that were being used on others. I don’t care for women that much ....men women no differnt to me becuase it was the women nurses that would look at you with this smile and go take your panties off and put this gown on ....I would ask if I could leave my socks on. years later a woman nurse would put her hand on my knee during a pap smear and me stunned that i told her to take her hand off me and please stop. The woman thought she was giving comfort and I got written up and dismissed for being abrasive. She had no idea about the baggage that I carried with me over the genital exams even though I tried to tell her along the way.

I’ve had so many educated hands on my crotch and others that were learning but here I was just a child and tried to be good natured about it. Really - It was Mommy and the Doctorsthat were so happy about this and every kid wants to be good for adults.  I never fit into what they wanted but I can understand that they meant well. I think this demolishes any sence of being a child and we are made to .....thrown into somethiNG adult even though we had a child’s mind -  "I love the my child’s very mature thing ...way to justify" These parents can’t handle having a child that is born with genitals that look ambiguous and will help with whatever it takes to erase that. If I was in their shoes? I might be just like them.

I hatered myself for what the medical professionals did in the name of fixing me and all they did was mess things up becuase I liked how I was born but in this world they were fixing what the adrenal gland caused and thought they were giving me better. They don’t read anything more into then fixing what the adrenal gland did and had best intentions even what they did always will have an emotional scar. It was interesting that not one person responded to your post as you are only 18 and this puts you only ten years older than their children.   

This is something that you never "get over" and I grit my teeth when people say that because it didn’t happen to them but I would like to think that somehow we can use this experince to help others with pain that they share because we do understand pain and emotions. Instead of the "get over ’ I really understand get through it instead because if you can do that then up have moved forward to a place that you can do anything and you use those experiences to benefit others ...got pain others get that and will talk with you.  

I’m writing because please somehow don’t be me and just make it to a doctor every year besides an endo. I never went to the doctors and when I did? they didn’t like me because i scared them along with  most nurses with the anger from the past and they just gave me a diagnoses that was a surface condition and beat feet out a there and another doctor that I needed help from just marveled about  the surgery when the test he did wasn’t complete even though he stated it was fine as my cancer grew and grew - I’m lucky that I fainted or I would of been dead becuase nobody was looking for cancer because they were interested in the CAH/surgery and the crap the Ph and d  write about us didn’t cover me.

"Holding on to old memories .....takes its toll"  yes it does and i beg you to use those memories ....get through them and take them to fuel whatever passion you have.

Besides the CAH...ha .....way back at your age I thought I’m not going to get anything else because lightening doesn’t strike twice but it did with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and Celiac Sprue along with being an adendocervical carcinoma cancer survivor for two and a half years.  

Please don’t let the hurt build up.

aimee