Hey,

Thanks for your reply. It was nice to know that others do think along the same lines as me - especially in terms of the contensious issues about CAH. Sometimes I really hate myself about the fact that I just can’t  get over alot of things. I tend to let them rule over my life, so to speak. But then again I blame myself for letting me be put in situations like genital exams. I believe it is my fault that I did not say no, and because of that I deserve what I get.

I have a wonderful messed up mind; a mind that was beautifully created by doctors and the wonderful expanse of knowledge that I have about CAH. If it is at all possible - I believe I know too much about CAH for someone my age. It is this knowledge that removed any sense of a childhood for me. I learnt not to gossip, I learnt to respect my body and my dignity - because there were too many times where all sense of power was removed. They may be positive things to have in the future, but at this point in time it is the reason why I am friendless; so I am in the blues.

I am a person who regrets everything after it occurs. One minute I will think I am fine with everything - or at least I will convince myself that I am, so that everything will be over as painlessly as possible. I give doctors what they want, because I am their guinea pig; I deserve nothing less. But I wish this wasn’t the way I felt...It’s horrible feeling as though you are something less than human; but its where I am at, at the moment.

I seriously loathe alot of medical professionals. I have misplaced my trust in too many of them to warrant me even caring about their diagnosis’s. Lol....on my 18th birthday I even made a contract with myself - never to go and have a pap smear; I don’t want to have to relive anything that I’ve already and unwillingly been through for peace of mind...sure it could potentially save my life, but I am beyond caring.

I have a funny scenario for you....I was having an adrenal crisis in the Christmas holidays and the doctor didn’t bother asking me if there was any possibility that I could be pregnant. Instead, he did the test without my knowledge, and came back saying "good news, your not pregnant" - my mum was there, and it was awkward. She was looking at me like ’since when were you active?’.....but I’m not. But then the doctor decided to pipe in again, and told me that because I had CAH there was a reduced risk of me falling pregnant, but not to worry....What the???? I was there because I had gastro, and there is no way on earth I could be pregnant unless immaculate conception has been medically approved!   It sort of gave me the craps. It felt as though he was rubbing in things about CAH, when he was just too naive to discover the truth. It’s because of stupid things like this, that going to see a doctor is rather pointless in my mind.

Well, I better finish here....didn’t mean for it to be this long and pointless, but I am not feeling too ’happy’ and needed to get a few things off my chest.