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Return to Page 4Post reply
re: re: re: were going to have surgury
Mar. 8th, 2007 3:10pm
Now I'm confused. You feel guilty for not doing the surgery earlier, but are defensive about sending her to summer camp. Neither of my CAH children have been anywhere for more than one night, and only then to places I absolutely know will respect her privacy and her condition. I've been the lone "bad guy" putting my foot down and refusing to let Ginny go to sleepovers with cousins, because the uncle whose home she'd go to is often lax about letting us know where she is when we let her spend just a few hours with them. There are a lot of ways CAH children can be hurt and it's up to us, the parents to shoulder more of a burden to protect them. But one thing we as parent need to fight more than anything is the undeserved, unnecessary and unproductive guilt that comes from having to deal with the condition. First of all there's the false guilt of blaming oneself for passing on the gene, as if we had any control whatsoever in that. Then there's the real guilt of the numerous mistakes we have made and will make as we trudge through mostly new territory. Ignore the false guilt, it just wears you down. Real guilt, though, serves the purpose of helping us to steer away from mistakes already made. If we react with anger and worse, rationalization, we can build a wall against improvement. Learn, change, grow. If you let real guilt hit you too hard, it then becomes an obstacle. Hunger tells us we need to eat, but obsessive hunger leads to obesity. Fatigue tells us we need to rest, but over-reacting to the least little sign of fatigue makes us lazy. Guilt makes us want to try harder, but allowing guilt to provoke us into irrational responses actually leads to even more guilt. Tell yourself, "Point taken; lesson learned; time to move on." Yes, children can sometimes make things worse by blaming parents, but younger children do that whether you deserve blame or not (how many times have you been told you were "hated" only to get a hug ten minutes later?) They're kids. I've found, also, that it's human nature to blame whoever is the most convenient to blame, and even older (and adult) children have a tendency to do that with parents. But at the same time I've also seen that there's an even greater tendency for people to avoid the guilt of a mistake by pretending it wasn't a mistake. Guilt is not meant to be a barrel full of bricks that all but kills you. It's meant to be a goad that drive you on to bigger and better things (and one less mistake to make). Let it be that, and only that. Point take. Lesson leaned. Move on.
Danny Carlton
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