And I think it was solely because my mother was too afraid I'd be lesbian. I've asked her about this and she didn't refuse it, but she looked like she didn't want to bring it up.I had to ask her because I've just started recalling memories of a brutal sexual assault where I was basically penetrated with a sharp object. I still don't know if it was for sexual satisfaction or if he did it to me because of this condition. That person was my father. The blackout that resulted from this was severe enough to cause a basic identity imbalance until I found someone a year ago that I'm genuinely sexually attracted to and comfortable around. I was four when this happened. I'm 20 now.
I notice that I am very sensitive to my periods, to the point where my body seems to shut down when it starts. If I get stressed out, it's even more severe. Coupled with the fact that my reaction to stress is to starve and not sleep, it's gotten insane now. I no longer have a period, and my body feels like it's dying. I've gone to the hospital copiously in the past few weeks, but all they can tell me is that I'm doing it to myself. They gave my fluids, but it was nothing but salt water and I still feel like crap. I can no longer keep food in me for that long, it just goes straight through.
I'm thinking that dealing with the PTSD and still gunning for the sexual partner [whom I'd been pushing away in the past few months because of my own uncomfortable-ness] will be the key in getting me back in balance, but I still would like to know if I should consider this in future dealings as well. Before I attempted suicide last year, my primary care seemed to have realized the scar from the assault, realize that I'd been born intersex, and suggested that I drop my antipsychotics for fear of "neurological" backlash. Of course this mode of investigation was abandoned when I attempted, but I'm starting to believe that if I'd followed what she was giving me I could've avoided that all together. No one seems to take my physical or PTSD seriously because of the misdirected mental activity and it's working my nerves, I feel like nothing is ever going to get done now. Especially since I know that what I am remembering is very real, it wouldn't have this effect on me otherwise. I am cerebral but I work mostly on body cues. My body will not send out cues if nothing has happened, I'm not capable of imagining harm to myself. I hope that is clear.
Any advice would be well received and thanks in advance.
